Struggling

I am struggling. BADLY. My faith is weak (I'm about to cry as I type). It's so hard to want something and not be able to have it. It's so hard to dream of something and not be able to achieve it. I've imagined and planned the bedroom situation. I know what bunkbeds I want in the boys’ room. I know what comforter sets to get for the boys. I know exactly how I want to decorate my daughter's room. I bought my SUV so that I could drive around. But still...


This Christmas, I will once again pull out all 5 (it may be 6.. I have to recount, LOL) stockings: 1 for each member of my dream family. This Christmas I will once again write Christmas letters for each member of my dream family. And once again, I will place those letters in the stocking. Only 2 will be read... the other 2 letters will put up.. only to be read by the daughter and son of my heart whenever they should appear (I don't write a letter to myself... although maybe I should this year).


I should be thankful/grateful that I have one child, right? And I am. I praise GOD I have a healthy, rambunctious son. But I long for more. I ache for more. 3 would be a good number for me (I wanted 4 though.. two of each). However I don't know if it will ever come to pass. Finances right now are in turmoil because of me (at least I believe it's because of me), and my job situation is somewhat shaky. Yet I know that my God will supply the financial needs if it is HIS desire for us to grow our family. So I try not to worry so much about finances. My biggest obstacle is: my husband. Hubby is dead set on not having or adding any more children. Period. My son is soo lonely. Well I believe my son is lonely. Maybe it's all my imagination. I dunno....

I am just... blah right now... in a state of FUNK. Maybe adoption is not what God has called me to do. Maybe, it is me that wants to soo badly. WHY do I want this soo badly?? WHY do I torture myself? How do I let go of this? How do I give it up??