Blog break for prayer

One of the blogs I lurk on (because I am new to it) referenced the below prayer that she read here. This, to some extent probably my husband's prayer... all written out and oh so elegant. I've been praying mostly to reverse the "yearning" to adopt; I want to make sure it's not me wanting this, it's him requesting it of me. After the death of Jn Renold, I just haven't quite felt the same. He wasn't mine nor was he going to be mine (at least I don't think). However I took it quite hard. Hard to explain so I won't even try.

I have such an overpowering love for the children of Haiti however the mess that happening with the USCIS right now has me quite nervous to even start an adoption from there. To pay ALL that money then get to the end and the US denies the visa would be heartbreaking, frustrating and above all devastating. And the appeal process is not promising. I don't have a $8,000-$12,000 just sitting around, twiddling it's thumbs and I especially don't have another $4000 or more to go through some type of appeal process. So to get to the end and lose a child that I have fallen soo deeply for would break me. I'd have to be committed, I'm sure.

So, I went back to researching US, as I have been asked SOOO many times, "why not a child here on our soil? They need homes too." My answer is yes they do, however to adopt from the US foster system is quite difficult as I have been told over and over and over again. Competition is fierce even for the most damaged children.! Yes there are children but there are more adoptive parents than children and the goal here is reunification with the bio parent. Good to some extent, bad in others... not really what I want to discuss at this point. But just know that the US is pushing foster or foster to adopt. With a small child, I don't believe either option would work for my family.

I also started researching Ethiopia again. I don't know if Ethiopia has the same issues as Haiti however I'm sure there are issues nonetheless. And the wait time to bring a child home is shorter but the programs can be much more expensive, particularly if you want to go with a reputable agency. But I digress...

As I give Thanks tomorrow for the many MANY blessings God has bestowed on me, I will also take time to pray the below prayer. I will also continue to pray this prayer for the next few weeks and then LISTEN for an answer. Thus I will be taking somewhat of a blog/adoption break as I have been frustrated with the finances involved, the process, and no movement on my hubby's heart. Can you please pray for me and mine as we each pray the below prayer?

Thanks soo very much and have a blessed Thanksgiving!

God, have you told me NOT to adopt? I find myself saying that some
people are called to it, and I'm not one of those people. Would you please show
me if I'm just using that as an excuse? Are you calling me, and I'm ignoring
you? These people I know that adopt, heck, they're not rolling in the dough. Is
there some creative way we could afford to do it? Are you asking me to make some big changes in our finances so we could make some big changes in our family?

Father, I don't like to accept help from others. Yet, I'd be the first one to
help out a friend who was adopting. Is that what you would ask us to do?What
about my house, God? It's really small. I thought we were full. Show me if there
is room for more. Right now I'm thinking (because the world tells me) that every
child needs to have their own room, and a certain sized backyard. Do you agree?
We don't have a playroom. We don't have big closets. Does that really matter?

I'm kinda' freaking out. I'm afraid that if I bring this up, you might tell me that
you want us to do this, but we don't feel called because you have some work to
do. Could you use me forever in the life of a child, if I would allow you to
work me over?If we are supposed to pursue this, light an insane passion within
us. If we need to make changes first, make them clear. If we are supposed to
wait, then give us the desire with a healthy dose of patience. If we are not to
adopt, show us. Lord, I wouldn't dare want to pass up such a massive opportunity
to serve you in this short little time I have here. At the same time, just
saying these words out loud is wigging me out!

I can't do what some of these women do. There are just so many unknowns. What if we get into something we can't handle ...Yeah. Okay. I'm answering my own questions.I'm still freaking out, but I love you. I want to chase after all that you are. Help me to want exactly what you want. And again ... freaking out.

Amen.