Reflections. . .random thoughts. . ..

At this moment I am at a loss for words... As I am still contemplating adoption (hubby still on the fence), I am reading, researching and very much involved in various online groups. Tonight is no different. I am online on adoption.com, rainbowkids.com and adoptuskids.com perusing the photolistings of ... you guessed it children. Soooo many beautiful children without parents, without families, without guidance, without love. I just feel soo helpless and so furious at the same time. How did we as a society, as a nation get where we are? Why are there so many children without families? Why are there so many children looking for permanent, loving homes. We are failing our children... our future. My heart is so very heavy and I just want to cry out Lord, Lord, what have we done! Forgive us for we know NOT what we do! My heart cries out for the children yet my eyes can't produce enough tears to show my sorrow or to represent their pain. I only viewed US children. There are millions more children in various countries throughout this great world. According to an article my husband and I read there is an estimated 143 million orphans worldwide (source: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22045640/). Wow! That is a LOT of children. That number makes me feel so small in this giant world.... so very tiny, so very helpless. I am just 1 person... What can I do? How can I help? US children have it a little better than other children of the world. Our children are placed in homes with food, clean water, and for the most part decent foster parents (you do get the occasional "nuts" that abuse the children). Yet, children in other countries are placed in large Orphanages or left out on the streets or in garbage bins .Even at the orphanage, there is very little food, possibly no electricity, and possibly no clean water. Some of these children are rarely touched (except to change a diaper), spoken loving words to, or comforted when they are hurt or sad. They aren't read to, sung to, picked up, cuddled.... they aren't loved on. Perhaps it could be a cultural difference... or perhaps it could be there are just too many children and very minimal staffing. Still, they deserve the same attention, love, devotion, support and chance at life as the US children. I am just 1 person... What can I do?? How can I help??

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I am often asked why I want to adopt international and not from the US. Truthfully, I would LOVE to do both yet my pockets (and possibly my hubby) will definitely interfere. If it were left to me and my devices, I would probably have a houseful of children (LOL). But I know there are other things to consider such as time, costs and energy in raise children. Yet I know people that do just help as many children as they can. They keep expanding their hearts and homes for the love of the children. I have read of one family with 22 children ranging in age. I know of another family with 3 that are adopting 3. I know of yet another family with 9 who is looking for number 10, 11 and so on.... the list goes on and on. They tell me the do it (adoption) to honor God. They do it because they were called to do so. They are, to me, true inspirations for they didn't worry so much about costs ... they are worried about the children.

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How can you or they afford to take on any additional children.. be it 1 or 21? That's the question that most people ask.. yet the question should be..how many will GOD bless me with? How many does HE want us to have? I am not pursuing adoption on my own at least I don't believe (although some may think I am) ... I can HAVE another child and believe me the thought has crossed my mind (and has been spoken by my husband). But God is calling me.... I hear HIM calling me. Do I not oblige my Lord and Savior? Do I turn my back to him and say No Lord, I hear you not. No Lord, my time, my money, my energy is for me alone... these are MINE and I do with them as I please! No Lord, the decision to add more to my family is MY decision... Hmmm..I don't think that would go over very well and I remember all things were created by God with the sole purpose to Honor and Glorify HIM.... Yet I am questioning my hearing. I am questioning my feelings. How do I know it is actually God speaking to me? How do I know it's not just me wanting to do this to bypass pregnancy, diaper changing, potty training, etc. How do I know??? My faith is so weak right now so how do I know that adoption is truly meant for me? Only God can answer that. Only He can shed light on the question of why. So I will continue to pray and seek guidance... I will continue to research, to discuss with the possibility with my husband and to seek counsel from my pastor (once I can get into his office); I will continue to look at all the beautiful faces on the photolistings.

My heart is heavy... tears are flowing... Lord, what can I do? How can I help??