Downsizing

"He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous also in much." (Luke16:10)

Lately, I've been thinking about removing some of the blog links I have. It's not that I don't enjoy reading them; it's just that I have collected sooo many of them that it's hard to keep up with everything that everyone's doing, saying, feeling, etc.

Also, it can be down right depressing to me and I sometimes feel like I'm competing to or striving to be "like that mom." True, I can only be me and that's who God made me to be, it is quite difficult not to covet their lives, their husbands, their children. They get to live out their dreams, travel around the world (or so I think.. could just be down the street to McDonald's), have that wonderful husband who says "YES" to every adoption without giving it a second thought. Ugh, don't get me started on adoption. I think that's the biggest reason for my downsizing.

I.

JUST.

CAN'T.

Not anymore. It's just more depressing to read that they are proceeding in an area that I just can't go to at the moment. But, it's not their fault; it's mine. They didn't invite me into their homes or lives; I found them and chose to enter. They didn't put out their news, joys just to hurt people; no, I placed that pain on my own shoulders, causing ridiculous amount of tension within my own heart and soul.

As I prayed last night and listened intently to my husband as we discussed adoption again for the upteenth time, it finally dawned on me -- ok well, he overtly told me the problem. Although it had nothing to do with blogging or reading various blogs, it did have to do with how I've handled things over the past, ohhhhh, 6.5 years. How I wanted the nice car and the house and the new fence around the new house, the new dog, the move to another city, the new (used and bigger) SUV so I can carry around children I don't yet have, the 4 bedroom house in the new city so that I could house the children that I don't yet have. I've never been into clothes, used to get my nails done but only because it relieved me from biting my real ones, never been into make-up but bought some to try it out, never really been into getting my hair done but did so because it would break off if I didn't. My son had to have the "best" because, well, I didn't when I was growing up. All this "stuff" has a cost and so far it has cost me my dream.

And here we are today: me jobless, shuffling money around so that we can pay the bills on "stuff." I've lost my beloved dog, about to loose the house we left in another city to come to this city, and my great credit score. All the while, my dream becomes smaller and smaller in my eyes and I push harder and harder to change my hubby's eyes. That's NOT the way it should be and I know this. I prayed this last night. I took ownership of this and now it's time to make a change.

I have broken one of God's TEN commandments (Exodus 20:17), and for that I must solemnly repent and refocus my attention and my life. Hey, it's not like they (the blogger moms) know me anyway and it's not like they will miss me commenting on their blogs. I'm just one in a sea of many. Surely, they will find another to take my place.

Now.... about the kids I just found that would be perfect in our family (hubby said so too)... help me to pray they find a loving home that will train them up to be powerful people of GOD...

As for me and my house, we will return to serving the Lord and learn to find contentment in what we have and remove the stuff we don't need.