I think what bothered me the most about the comment was word usage: "your yearning," "unless you have the energy and resources." Basically this comment told me 2 things: 1) The desire and I passion I felt wasn't really from GOD, it was my of my own accord, and 2). I am too tired and too broke so I should wait. Hmm... I was, to say the least devastated and pondered this comment for DAYS when it first appeared. Who could have written such a note? Someone in my family who was/ is against adoption? Someone who knows our financial struggles (at the time I was working however and I was the "bread winner" yet we still were struggling)? My husband (although he hasn't read this blog since that day)? Who?? Unfortunately (or fortunately for them) I never found out who wrote it. But the bee's stinger was still there, poignantly twisting itself deeper into the pits of my soul. Granted the comment was well-intentioned and evoked thought and a re-examination of my desire and my situation. However I do wonder if comments would have been similar if I were announcing a pregnancy instead of an interest in adoption.
Nonetheless, my mind keeps coming back to that one comment.
Perhaps I think about it as a way to judge where I am today against where I was then. Perhaps it's a reminder that not everyone is passionate about adoption or even about orphan-care. Perhaps it's a just a semantic dictation that says "YOU ARE NOT READY!" I don't know. But even today, 3 years later, this comment, has been etched, word for word, into my memory. And every now and then I toss and turn over the meaning of it all.
It's been 3 years since that commentary and my "yearning" has yet to die.; it seems to have gotten stronger and more confident (although my thoughts on my ability to parent multiple children has drastically decreased, lol.. that's another post coming soon). Thus I don't think it was just my own "yearning" as I still feel very much called to add to our family via adoption. True, after a while, the "talking" died down a bit and I began to decrease time put into keeping up with the adoption blog, yahoo groups, etc. Not because of the decrease in the desire, but an increase in recreating my own environment to ensure that the chil(dren) we bring into our family will have all that they need. I decreased these things because I was busy "nesting" (and going to school didn't help much with time management either but that too is another post). We have to prepare. I started thinking of my son, what he needed from us as parents, how his life would change, what we could do to prepare him, what kind of job would be best suited for me as a mother who wants to be AT EVERYTHING. I started thinking of my husband, his role in all this and how our relationship could be strengthened so we could withstand the "adjustment times." We want to be ready. We NEED to be ready for them whenever they come (notice I said whenever and not if ).
Also, per your suggestion, I did and still do pray however my prayer isn't just for wisdom in the matter of adoption, resources or energy; it's for the children that sit in foster care or an orphanage for prolonged periods of time. My prayer is for them to find loving parents to call "their own." Sometimes, I pray by name, sometimes it's just a global prayer. I also pray for various things thoroughout the day, raning from guidance and understanding to just being thankful to have made it safely across time. Thus,
I lost my job I pray
And God gave me a new vision and showed me new career path
We might have some financial trouble I pray
And things are getting paid
I'm constantly worried/stressed about
whether we will have enough money to get thru the week I pray
We have managed
My son drives me purely batty most days I pray
And I still want more
I wonder if I could parent it with more than one I pray
And I still want more
I wonder if my marriage could survive additions I pray
And I still pray for more
Through all of our struggles (and yes there have been many), I pray. Through all of our happy times (and there have been many.) I pray. Prayer can change lives and can change hearts ( I can attest prayer changed my husband's heart concerning adoption). However prayer is to ensure you are fully, unequivocally aligned God's will. That has been my prayer from the beginning of my journey. I want to align myself with God's will for my life. It's. JUST. that. simple. Thus I continue to pray.
Resources and energy? Well, tell me your definition of these terms and I will tell you if we have enough. I have learned that I don't have to compete with the Jones' down the street. I don't need a giant house (although this may change depending on the number of children) or an expensive car (although I do miss my BMW, my Ford is built (and bought) for a larger crowd). I don't need a gazillion dollars in the bank. God always provides; he has shown me throughout this job ordeal that he ALWAYS provides. ALWAYS. No matter the amount, no matter the timing, no matter the need.
So although this comment originally stumped me, I wanted to say thank you to Anon. Because of you, I am more passionate, more determined, to live my life pursuing God's will for me. And your comment has helped me refocus on what matters most and I will continue to ponder your statement each and every day.
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