Am I strong enough?

In the recent weeks, there has been much discussion/debate on the R*ssian adoption return case. As I soak in all of the comments made on various blogs, yahoo groups, facebook pages, etc, I can't help but think about my ability to parent an adopted child, heck, I can't help to think about my ability to parent my own bio child. It's easy to say "that won't happen to me" as you read various disruption cases. But it COULD easily be me; it COULD very well be me. Would I be strong enough? Am I capable of handling some of the issues that could surface? Could my marriage survive? Would I scar my bio child? These are the questions I have wrestled with for the last few weeks. The unknowns scare me,

I struggle to understand my current parenting skills. There are somethings I think I do quite well and others with which I could use improvement. Granted, parenting is not perfect and is all about learning about your child and that parenting each child is different, I sometimes wonder if there isn't some secret parenting code out there that wasn't passed on to me. As I ponder this with my own bio child, my mind drifts to the hurt child. With all the books, blogs, yahoo groups, etc. why does it seem that this "knowledge" is still not enough? Is there no entity of preparation that would fully, completely, unequivocally, prepare adoptive parents to parent their children. If not, then what's the solution?? If so, then why are there still disruptions? How can we better prepare ourselves, our families, and our marriages for all that adding a child or children could bring?

The answers seem elusive. Adoptive parents who struggle with attatchment do so in recluse out of fear and embarrassment. Those parents who do speak out are tarred and feathered, called every "thought-provoking" name in the book, and ridiculed and shone from their friends, families, support groups, and even churches. How would I, a lonely adoptive mom, handle that? Could I handle that? To have the people you trust the most say to you " you're on your own" or " you aren't loving them enough" or "try locking them in their room" or "you're not praying hard enough" would not only be devasting to hear but also a crushing blow to my self esteem not to mention a knock against my parenting abilities. Add to that the needs of my husband, my bio child, my job (wherever that is), and trauma of the new child/children and you might, just might, have a recipe for disaster.


Could it happen to me? Would it happen to me? Would I be able to survive and tell about it? Would I have someone (or some people) to turn to during my times of difficulty? I don't know if I could go through what some of my blog friends have gone through. I don't know if my family is strong enough... I don't know if I am strong enough...

Still I look with a loving heart at the faces on the various photolistings and I wonder... I imagine... I pray.

Could it happen to me? Would it happen to me?