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I've noticed more and more about myself that I just flat-out hate. It's depressing really.... to be educated, intelligent and somewhat attractive and think so very little of yourself. Yet, time and time again I get to that point where some of the things I do, the person I am, really conflicts with the person I want to be.

For instance, I would love to have more female friends (I tend to have more anxiety with women than with men) and to be more outgoing. Yet my personality is somewhat shy and reclusive. I tend to be more of a people watcher yet I long to be included in the conversations. For me to take that step and go up to someone to introduce myself or include myself in a conversation is frightening to say the least. I'm like a deer in headlights. I don't know what to say, what to ask, what's appropriate to say, what's appropriate to ask. My thoughts get jumbled, my words get crossed, I start to worry if I am being stereotyped because of the way I speak or don't speak and then worry if I am making sense at all. After all this worrying, I then go on to analyze the situation: did I say the right thing; did they think I am weird; I didn't make any sense when I said.... sigh.... Let's just say: I HATE IT! HATE IT HATE IT! HATE IT! I HATE being shy; I loath being reclusive and elusive. Somewhere in my lifetime, my social skills and communication skills were severely impacted. I've tried to pinpoint when and where this side of me originated but it's really like looking for a needle in a haystack. Maybe it was the bullies (all female) throughout my school years or maybe it was the "children should be seen and not heard" stance my family took... I haven't figured it out yet. Don't get me wrong. I am friendly, easy-going, and some times funny when you get to know me... but initially... not so much.... sigh.... work in progress? Maybe.

Another ongoing struggle is weight. Yep... go ahead...click on my profile picture... go ahead and laugh.... get it all out... I'll wait....

waiting....

waiting....

waiting....

Ok, you can stop laughing now... Skinny girls have weight issues too! Just because we are thin (and I've been thin ALL my life) doesn't mean we don't get teased or that we don't have self- image problems. I was teased and bullied all of my educational years. Why? Because I was smart, skinny, wore glasses and was somewhat of a late bloomer. I was called four eyes, bean pole, knobby knees, ugly... you name it, I was called it... In my year senior year book (high school) , someone wrote, "if you gain some weight and lost the glasses, you'd be half-way cute." Yeah... real confidence booster there.. thanks for that! JERK! All children want to be accepted by your peers, to have friends that like you for who you are, not how you look. The girls in my classes were cruel and the boys were crueler so most of the time I was alone and I stayed to myself (thus provoking the bullies to bully me) ---wait a minute... maybe THIS is where it all started --- anyway, I found solace in music and writing. I joined the orchestra and wrote loads of poetry (that I can't find now, lol). As the years have gone by, I have made a few friends along the way, but my inner circle is quite tiny to say the least, and my confidence is still wavering. Standing in the mirror saying "I am beautiful" over and over and over again just doesn't cut it for me. And now that I'm getting older and things are starting to sag... well let's just say I'm not over here singing "I feel pretty." Perhaps this is more of a confidence issue than a weight issue. I dunno... I struggle with confidence on all levels of my being.

These are just two of the many things I have struggled with over the years but have recently been in the fore-front of my thoughts these past few weeks. These are things I haven't come to resolution on; things that quietly dissipated into thin air. How do you build friendships (face to face friendships, not computer ones)? How do you adjust your view of yourself? The quest for answers to these questions and many more continues. . .