Adoption Fears

Each time I read of a family disrupting their adoption, I instantly began to wonder what happened and ask why (to myself, not to the family). I wonder what's been done (counseling,etc), what type of support the family had, etc. I wonder how the other families were affected, how the marriage was affected and where the family goes from there. This is not to judge the family in any way. I try my best to put myself and my family in the disrupting family's shoes. How would I respond? How would my family cope? Would my marriage survive the aftermath of a disruption?

The adoption process itself is scary and brutal. To wait so many months/years for your child/children to come home and then have something happen that results in their disruption would be and IS devastating. The more I think about and seriously consider adoption the more scared I become and all the "what ifs" flood my mind.

What if we can't bond as a family?
What if there is a more serious issues?
What if there something unexpected was thrown our way?
What if the child/children don't get along with my lil man?
What if the child/children are harmful to each other and to lil man?
What if I can't love them as much as I love my own bio son?
What if I can't handle it? What if I can't cope?
What if I don't know what to do?
What if I can't get any help?
What if I can't or don't know how to advocate for help or support?
What if? What if? What if?

As a PAP (prospective adoptive parent), you are constantly searching for answers to questions that seem unanswerable. And yes, to some extent we seek out the "happy ending" adoption stories but we are keen to read the horrific stories as well. We want to believe that a horrific situation will never happen to us; we want the fantasy. We want to see the glass overflowing with love, laughter and fun instead of leaking slowing with anger, bitterness, loss, raging and hurt. We want to believe our newly adopted children will attach to and bond to our family almost instantly. Yet we know or rather we read that this may not be the case.. that it takes time for a hurt child to adapt, to attach, to love. Adoptive children will deal with a variety of issues that are not and cannot be expected to be remedied just because the are adopted. Adoption adds another dynamic to the family structure in that the child being brought into the family is and will deal with a variety of issues due to adoption (grief, loss, malnourishment/food hoarding are just a few).

Truth is, there are no guarantees with children, adopted or bio. This I am well aware of. It appears that no amount of prep (required classes or books) can actually prepare you for the situation until you are actually face to face with or knee deep in it. And at that point, how much damage has already been done to the family, to the marriage, to the children? How do you know when enough is enough? Is there a breaking point when the only option is to remove the adopted child from the house? There are soo many questions, none of which have a definitive answer.

I am terrified of the what ifs. I don't know what I would do if faced with a sever issue and that is what scares me. I want to be prepared for almost anything however it's hard not to think "That won't happen to me."

Are there ways to better prepare? I am scared but am I scared enough not to follow my heart?

I dunno... and these are the ultimate questions.