Perpetual State of Depression

Hubby and I were talking as we washed the dishes (dishwasher was out of commission as we waited for the landlord to come and repair it). I'm not sure how the conversation turned to depression but he stated that lately I have been or seemed depressed a lot... ALL the time. He said I seemed to always be frowning, down or scowling. He was concerned but not too worried. But as I sit here thinking about his words, I realize that he is right.

For the past few months, I have been in a perpetual state of depression. The sad part is that I hadn't realized it. Well, I could feel the heavy shoulders and hear my heavy sighs. I could see that I am always tired, always sad, worried and pessimistic (and for me, being the optimist that I am the pessimism is NOT a characteristic that I am proud of). I am cranky and irritated majority of the time; I feel helpless and hopeless. I am too quick to anger.... I feel that things are only getting worse.

For me, depression sets in when I have a cluttered house; when work is not going as well as intended, when lil man is working the nerves of both the teachers and his principle, when things around the house break, in looking at all the unfinished projects around the house, in looking at the landscape, or the bills. There seems to be no end in sight for the state in which I feel that we are currently in.

There seems to be sooooo many things happening right now:

• My palace is sparsely decorated at the moment. For the most part, money is the issue, however it is also my tastes. I am considered bourgeois by most when it comes to certain things. Naked beds, naked windows, naked floors... just depressing...
  
• UGH! I DESPISE clutter. My friend will tell you... I am ANAL when it comes to cleanliness. I can't stand a nasty house. Entering a house that is cluttered or dirty is depressing to me. I feel trapped in the mass chaos; trapped in the mounts and mounds of film, dust, dirt, grime, filth. I can't stand it. Problem here: I feel like know one cares but me
  
• Dishwasher hose has broken
• Outlets don't work
• Chlorine dispenser for the pool is broken
• Net of the pool cleaner detached
• Dog needs a bath, tooth brushing and hair cut
• I need a hair cut
• BILLS, BILLS, BILLS!
• We have a trip to plan and pay for: airfare, hotel, transportation
• Work... yeah.. still... the.... same...
• Still no change in hubby as it pertains to adoption (partly due to BILLS, BILLS, BILLS).
  

See!?!? The list is never ending. Luckily the landlord was able to fix the dishwasher and the lights. He will buy a new chlorine dispenser and probably a new pool cleaner. I have to figure out a way to feel better.

Sigh.. God will make a way... He always has; He always will.

Time to do some online shopping... "window" shopping that is... that always makes me feel worse better! Hmm.. maybe I should just go to bed.