I know, I know... it's been a while. Defeated, helpless, hopeless and above all faithless are the best ways to describe my mood these days. It seems the more I push forward the further I get pushed backwards. I am feel lost, afraid, and down right pitiful at times. Honestly, I am not sure where my faith has gone but I can assure you it's smaller than a mustard seed for sure.
Perhaps it's because I've back-slid. I don't read the word as often as I should nor do I pray as often as I should (or rather finish a prayer. my mind tends to wonder during prayer time). Perhaps it's just I am scared to believe that maybe, just maybe there IS a God. Or Perhaps it's that I do believe but not fully; am I riding the fence?
All I know is that things seem to be getting worse than better and it seems to me that praying about it just isn't cutting it. Impatient am I? Yes, yes I am. I want to see results and answers. I want reassurance on the things I am praying about.
Where's my faith?? It has taken a back seat to FEAR! I should know that God will take care of me at all times. I should believe that HE will provide at all times. And in most cases, I do but for some reason when it comes to one particular area of my life that is experience the most turmoil right now (no it's not my family/marriage), I honestly feel like I'm on my own on this one. I shouldn't feel like that, but I do and I'm not quite sure why. I am starting to believe that maybe what's happening is well deserved.. that there may be some truth to the madness and it's been a LONG time coming. Maybe this is the much needed "kick in the butt" that will catapult me into another dimension of life... if so, which way am I supposed to go? I dunno..
I am paralyzed with fear at this point and fear is pouring out of me by the gallons. I am focused only on this one thing and trying desperately not to "muck it up"any more than I have. Continuing to "muck it up", as now believe I am and have been doing, will result in dire consequence. But why should I be considered about these dire consequences?? God will take care of me, right? RIGHT?! Sigh... if only I believed that were so. I am wallowing in self pity. My self esteem is depleted, my faith is stretched thin, and I feel totally and utterly defeated.
ugh... where has my faith gone? Has anyone seen it? Can someone, anyone help me find it?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
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Peaks and valleys my dear, and this too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteYour God will NEVER forsake you so please hold onto that. Sometimes admittedly He seems far away. I honestly believe, at least for myself, that we have to have dry spells to appreciate. And in my case He has used them to draw me closer to him. Even when I could not see or hear Him.
Praying for you.
Matthew 14:22-33
ReplyDeleteJesus has just finished feeding the 5000, and he sends the disciples ahead of him to cross the sea of Galilee while he goes alone up the mountain to pray.
They row and row all night, but there is a giant storm, and the wind blows and the waves toss them around, and no matter how hard they work, they get nowhere. They are far from land, and they see no end to their journey.
In the darkest hour, Jesus walks across the water to them, and they are afraid, because although they know that our God is a God who can do anything, surely he cannot walk on water. Can he? And Peter says to him, Lord, if that is really you, tell me to walk across the water to you. Jesus says, come. And Peter steps out of the boat and DOES IT. He takes his eyes off Jesus to watch the wind, and starts to sink, and cries out to Jesus for help. Jesus reaches out his hand and pulls Peter to him, and says, "You have so little faith! Why did you doubt me?"
You are a child of God, and I'm not telling you anything you don't know. God often comes to us when things are darkest, when we are most willing to let everything else go and look to him. You may be far from the shore. You may be working as hard as you can and getting nowhere. You may be afraid in your storm. But God will come, and he will reach his hand out to you. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Keep your eyes on Jesus, and do not doubt him.
I pray that your heart is strengthened today, and that your fear dissipates. I pray that you are able to reconnect with the Word and draw your strength from Him.
Corey
www.watchingthewaters.wordpress.com
Oh, my dear friend. I wish I could help you, but you know me. We are not similar in our beliefs. But you could look back on your life and see the times when you were lonely, scared, sad, frustrated and lost and see how God pulled you through.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard to have faith in what you're going through. I, myself, am struggling. Just know that I am here for you when you need someone to talk to. Much love to you my dear, bestest friend!