Mid-week reflections

This week has been a series of trials and tribulations.. joys and pains. Highlights thus far:
* Friday little man was put in time out for kicking someone. From what i gathered in talking to him, he was trying to race with his friend and the little girl either wouldn't let the friend race or was in the way. Either way, we don't condone hitting. Punishment: His newly earned "swimmer" dinosaur with flippers (as he calls it). Just got it back the day before and had to take it away again as well as no TV (he gets very limited tv time or rather I try to limit TV time except when I am blogging or reading blogs LOL).

*Monday he got in trouble for spitting on someone, not following directions, screaming during the pledge of allegiance, and not listening. Teacher says: It's him, he's the problem. WOW! Cuts deep. But she goes on to say that he has his good moments like sharing with others and being able to color or work at the table by himself. But there are moments where you can be directly in his face, tell him what to do and he will do the exact opposite. Oye! I took this to heart. See, it's not that she was calling us bad parents. As she sees it this kid has no structure, does not respect authority and has way too much energy. This is the SAME exact stuff we were told when we put him in a Montessori school back in February. He was there ONE week and they kicked him out (and gave us our money back). So now, to me, it DOES feel like I'm a bad parent. My kid has too much energy, too much personality and not enough structure I suppose. I dunno.. what else can I do, what else can I take away?
Long talk with hubby didn't quite produce the responses I was looking for... this caused great anguish and conflict within me.

* Tuesday was the most depressing day for me. I was sooo utterly depressed, overwhelmed, saddened. I had to do all I could to keep from crying as my thoughts raced from my marriage to my child to adoption to my house.... I can honestly say I was grieving. For what you may ask? I seem to have it all, right? Wrong. Throw a tiny pebble in my glass house and the walls will shatter and my deepest hurts and sorrows will be exposed. My grief runs deep. Yet, it seems to be right on my sleeve waiting for it's moment of exposure. As I sat at my desk at work on Tuesday, I just imploded. I couldn't hold it in much longer (and my bff was online and could talk to me). I tried to do so quietly as there were other people in the room. It was all too much... I grieved for the marriage I expected,no, I LONGED for but didn't quite get; I grieved for the child that I expected but didn't get; I grieved for the children that I long for but probably may never see. I grieved for my finances: where I expected to be financially versus where I am, my spirituality: where I LONG to be versus where I am, my son's and husband's spirituality: where I LONG for them to be versus where they are... I grieved... for MY expectations: My expectations of the way things should be and how things should go in my life. As I depressingly pondered my life yesterday, here are some of my thoughts and expressed (it was more jumbled yesterday. Today I had time to process my thoughts so that I could coherently write them out):

Marriage: I think all women have, to some extent, an exception of what their married life should be, how the husband should respond to them, how the husband should respond to the children. I can't lie and say that I didn't have those expectations or visions of the perfect marriage and all that "perfect marriages" entail. Yet that's not what I got. I won't go into a ton of details however it's safe to say that my expectations don't meet my reality. I had to finally let go of my expectations so that God could show me my true reality. I LOVE my husband and adore him yet the devil had me soo caught up on the negative that I couldn't see the positives. Don't get me wrong, we don't have a bad marriage... we have a work in progress marriage (don't we all). The work must continue. . . we must find a way to continue.

Current Child: Again, I LOVE my son. He is the light of my life. How many preschoolers do you know that have been kicked out of a pre-school? My thoughts were why couldn't I get the "easy" child? Why did I have to birth the trouble maker? the social lite? Again my expectations did not meet my reality. My reality is that I have a wonderfully social, outgoing, active,super happy 4 year old who has a few challenges in school. It could be much worse. (Believe me I had already plotted the future right there at my desk yesterday so I know if I don't do something it WOULD be much worse.) School is his chance to be around other kids, to interact with his peers and to learn and grow from experiences with them. Perhaps the issue isn't him as the teacher so eloquently stated. Perhaps it's the system that is trying to cram all the things we learned in Kindergarten into the pre-k program. I don't remember having to do as much "work" as they have to do in pre-k now. I remember being in kindergarten making and eating finger paint. Coloring, making friends, NAPS, PLAYING. Sure there was learning thrown in there.. basic stuff, however most of the "hard" stuff didn't come until 1st grade. But I digress... He is a great kid. He is happy, healthy, loved, well adjusted...he is my reality! and I love him dearly. He is a work in progress that needs more direction and guidance. And above all, more support and unconditional love from his family. That, my son, I promise you will have. But I had to grieve for the child that I expected in order to see the child of my reality.

Future children: This kinda ties in with marriage to a certain degree. I remember drawing a picture of the family I wanted to have when I grew up. I don't remember what age I was, but I had to be maybe 6 or 7. (side note: My memory of past events seems to be better than my memory of present lol). Me, husband 3-4 children, house, grass, sunny sky. My family would be Christians (you could tell by the crosses I put on their foreheads). My expectation was that we would have at least 3 or 4 kids. I never saw how my kids would come to me. I just knew they would be there. My reality.... oye.... I dare not speak it out loud... for the devil is listening. I BIND that up in the name of my Father. God knows my heart, he knows my desires. I pray that my expectations do not meet my reality here. I would be utterly devastated. Yet, I had to grieve for the possibility of no more. I had to let go of the idea in order to see my reality. The reality is that they are not here... yet.

My expectations got in the way of me seeing my reality. When I compared what I thought I should be doing, should have, what my kid should be like, what my hubby should be like,how my husband should act, etc to my reality , it just didn't add up. My expectations were far more breath-taking than my reality. I longed for my expectational life. I dreamed of that life. I lived by that life.... If I could just do this, THEN I could get to where I expected to be. Comparing the expectations to the reality created a hypocrisy like no other! And I was failing I was failing my husband, my child, in my work... in my life. My life was unraveling fast. I could see all the pieces of my life falling right before my eyes and I just couldn't stop it...I just couldn't stop it. I just wanted to run... and not turn back. Leave it all and start over. Maybe next time it would be better. I could make it better next time. I know the mistakes I've made.

As I sit here typing this I can say that I feel much better today. I'm still crying but you see God's peace is sooo sweet, soo very comforting. I don't quite know HIM as I should, but I know that he would never put anymore on me that I can bare. And I know someone out there prayed for me. I just know they did. There's no other explanation for the peace I feel today and for the outlook I have today. They didn't have to know that what I was going through; they just knew someone needed prayer; someone was hurting deeply and badly. Thank you. I don't know who you are or even where you are. I just want to say thank you. Because of your prayers, I know that I can go on; I feel that we can make it. The storm will pass.... this too shall pass.

I can hear my Father saying to me right now .... LET IT FALL. Sweetheart, let it fall. Why? because it's not your life.. it's MINE. Folks...It's all HIM. He controls it all. My reality is HIM.. it should be HIM. My expectations should be to trust HIM. He will never leave or forsake me. He LOVES me unconditionally.

It's not over, no.. not by a long shot. And my heavenly Father won't let me quit.

The facade is off...my reality is exposed... the battle begins....