beloved . . .

I have been dealing with so many emotions these past few weeks: anxiety, sadness, joy, depression (is that an emotion?), spite... you name it, I've felt it. However the biggest emotion experience yet is the feeling of failure. I. have. failed. in so many ways. It's hard to admit that but the true is evident in our lives at this point. Today, as I type this with tears streaming down my face, I can only gather the strength and courage to tell my family I am sorry. The "only ifs and what ifs" cloud my mind and my heart. The grief is unbearable. If you saw me, you would think I had just lost a beloved family member and in some ways I feel that I have.

Today, we had to surrender our beloved pet. This was NOT an easy decision. He became ill due to a rupture of a mass on his side and he began to limp. I took him to the vet twice and of course the wanted to removed it immediately but the costs were too high (like $1200 high). The vet stated that if I obtained their pet insurance, the cost would come down (this was on the 2nd visit). So I did and the bill came down to roughly $600. As I sat there in the vet office, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. We don't have $600, heck we don't even have .06 cent. I asked what I could do for topical purposes until I could get the money up and we set an appointment for removal. However, time was not on our side as it appeared the wound was getting worse (and he wasn't helping it by licking on it). I called numerous vets and asked for help. I searched numerous websites looking for help. I even applied for a credit account. All to no avail. All we wanted was for someone to trust us with payments and remove the mass so we could keep our pet. No one could help us; no one would help us. I couldn't get him any help and I couldn't provide the help he desperately needed. It was out of my hands now. The decision was made to surrender him.

It may sound strange to most of you, but to me, it's like giving away a child. I LOVED my dog. He was like a son to me. I treated him like he was our son. He stood on equal ground with my bio son. I. LOVED. MY. DOG. LOVED! LOVED! LOVED. I can't describe to you the pain I feel right now. My heart hurts so very badly and the tears won't stop flowing. The feelings of failure plague every fabric of my mind and soul. I failed him. His mother trusted me almost 9 years ago and I failed him. I turned my back on him when he needed me the most. I was his momma and I couldn't provide for him; I couldn't get him the help he needed. I couldn't..... and I tried.... Sure, he could potentially be helped at the "pound," but to me that's like sending him to an orphanage. Who could love him better than me?!? better than my family?? He didn't understand what was happening to him; he doesn't know he's not coming back to my loving arms. He won't be able to see my smiling face anymore nor me see his. He's gone and he's not coming back .... I am just devastated.. hurt beyond words.

By now, I've racked up a LOOONG list of failures in my head. Too many to count at this point but they all start with if only: If only I hadn't got laid off (fired as I see it)... if only I had done better at my job maybe I would still have it... if only I could find work now... if only we hadn't moved here, if only we had stayed in GA... if only I had stayed in my old position at my old company... if only I hadn't been so stubborn in that position... if only I hadn't accumulated so much debt...if only, if only, if only... All these thoughts evoke a sense of failure. I have failed. It's my fault we're in this mess. It's my fault our finances are in shambles.It's my fault my beloved had to be given away. It's. ALL. MY. FAULT. There's no sugar-coating it. Surrendering a life to the unknown is the most difficult decision ever. EVER! The only hope is that in surrendering him, he could get help and perhaps then adopted by a loving family. But I will forever be plagued with thoughts and memories of him. From the little black pickle with ears to the full grown beloved "son." Austin, how could I not call you my own.


Austin, Momma loves you so very much and I am sorry. I am so very sorry. . . All I have are the memories... hopefully one day I will find comfort in those.